It's Never Goodbye
You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time
~ The Calling, 'Could It Be Any Harder'
Lucius Malfoy was always my undoing. My life and soul, and in so many ways he destroyed both. Once upon a time I was just as bad, but God - he surpassed everything. My Golden Boy. The bastard got what he wanted, but rarely what he deserved.
In the end he was the only person I could really confide in. A lot of strange, surreal conversations and revelations... When I told him about my mother and home he didn't turn his nose up as I expected. I really thought I'd underestimated him. But he'd turn round and destroy someone else for having no money, or laugh at their misfortune, and I had to wonder whether he was laughing at me too, underneath. He couldn't love me, not really. My Lu - but his first love was himself, and I've never been convinced of the sincerity of his affections.
Somehow, when we'd argue, or something would go wrong, he'd be very convincing. He can be so self-sacrificing sometimes, and it was odd, because it really felt like he meant it. I can't say with conviction that it was a game - I know he can't stand for people to stay angry with him, but when I'm with him... I never doubted it. Only when we're apart. I miss him so much. Even though we've moved on and I know I shouldn't even think of it.
Sweet Circe, please. I hate this. And I know that the moment I see him again everything will revert back, just as it always does. Never mind that all we ever get to have now is a quick fuck before we're missed. I can't talk to him when he's distracted. His singular purpose is always sex. Oh, he'll say he loves me, and wants to be close, and we never get enough time alone, and if I'm honest, I want it too, but I hate how I feel after he's left. I'm fifteen again, and he's playing with me. Go home to Narcie, Golden Boy. She's having your baby. She needs you more than me.
But I need you. And I think I'm starting to hate you too, despite your protests and declarations. If you read this Luci, I know you'd tear it up, or cry. So you won't, but I need to say it, and I'm so confused. I want it over, because I'm so sick of being left alone - but what choice is there either way? I love you, but it's driving me mad, and I don't want to turn into that, like my parents. I have to do something.
"It's always about you. Always! I'm fucking sick of this. I'm not doing this anymore, Lu. I can't. I need... I have to just... stop it. Us. I-"
"What? You think it's just going to go away because you say so? After everything? Please, Sev, don't do this."
"I love you, Luci. But I can't-"
"But that's everything! It's enough! It has to be. I'm sorry, ok? I shouldn't have-"
"But you did, and we're fucked now anyway. Why can't you see it's futile? I don't want it over. It's the only way. I have to get away, go back..."
"No. I won't let you. I'm so sorry... I am! Why won't you let me fix it?"
"Some things can't be fixed with a kiss! For fuck's sake, Lu. I know what you're thinking, you seem to forget that-"
"I didn't mean-"
"No. Just... let me go..."
Maybe it couldn't last forever. But I'm fucked if that's what he really thinks. I can't even begin to comprehend life without... But maybe he was right. Maybe it had become just sex. I mean, I know there's more, but we never get to be together. Hell, I'm fucked whatever happens. I need to get my act together. Write. Apologize, rationally. Although... I suppose it needs... time.
Why does my brain have to keep reminding me about my wife? With everything that I've done and will continue to do, I've always had my Sev, and I can't shut my mind off with him. I'm always truthful, and even if he doubts me... I'll make it right. He knows I'll leave her if it came to that. Doesn't he?
He's not going to leave me. We promised.